How Has Life Really Been Going With 2 Under 2?
I sit here now, writing this on my phone because I haven’t been able to not hold Olivia for a couple of days now. She is strapped to the boob as I rock her in the oversized chair in our room that takes up way too much space (it wasnt my first choice in decor, but it’ll do for now while I do night feeds and for moments like these.)
How has it really been with 2 under 2? Well, what I will say is a cannot complain without first acknowledging how grateful and blessed that I am. I recently had this conversation with my therapist, who is truly a godsend. I told her that I felt guilty for breaking down. For being extremely frustrated when the baby wakes every 2 hours in the night, or just wants to be held constantly. For feeling absolutely exhausted and drained when my 22 month old says “hold me, hold me.” I told her that I should just be grateful. I should just count my blessings. I shouldn’t get so annoyed or upset with this period in my life, where I feel like I can’t get ANYTHING done. I should just ‘be’ in this moment, right here, right now. I should should should. I should be happy that everyone is healthy. She said “Stop, that’s it right there. Stop saying you should, because you are. Acknowledging your joys in your life isn’t your problem, because you’ve expressed those joys and blessings to me several times.” She told me something that seemed so simple but is so eye opening. She told me that being grateful and feeling frustrated, sad, upset, impatient can happen at the same time. Both can be true at the same time.
She also told me that covering up my feelings with being grateful isn’t exactly the most healthy thing to do. That it’s a step in the right direction, but not exactly always the best thing to do when you’re so emotionally charged. “You see,” she said “you should first acknowledge your feelings and show self compassion before you do the ‘grateful for’ exercise.” She made me realize that what I was doing was dismissing my real feelings and putting me into an even bigger cycle of guilt.
She told me to think about it like this: if your kid came home from school one day crying and upset about a classmate leaving them out, you wouldn’t jump straight to saying “you should be grateful for the classmates that include you.” Sure, gratefulness is a great and necessary thing to teach your kid, but more importantly, acknowledging their feelings and simply telling them “I’m sorry and I’m here for you,” would be a better first step. Similarly, if I expressed to my husband that I had a horrible day, telling me to be grateful for being able to live this day mighhhht not be the best thing to say to me in that moment. In fact, it’d be rude and dismissive. Sometimes you just have to vent. To acknowledge. To be okay with not being okay for a second. And that doesn’t mean you’re not grateful.
So that’s where I am now in this moment with 2 babies under 2. So in love, but so tired. Confused about what I want with my career and what my role is as a working mama. Frustrated with not being able to run the errands and be the busy body and “get shit done” type of personality that I am because the baby is fussy today. But you know what? That’s okay.
And if you too are a tired mom, or a person trying to figure out their career, or hell, just someone that is trying to navigate life and it’s meanings just like the rest of us, do yourself a favor. Practice that self compassion. Acknowledge your negative thoughts. Let them soak in. Embrace yourself. Be nice to yourself. Give yourself warmth. Do something for yourself. Realize that self compassion is productive. And THEN, count your blessings. Remember, you can do both :)
xx.